What Can We Expect in Couples Therapy?
How Does Couples Therapy Help? And What We Will Be Doing?
3 min read
Are you contemplating couples therapy? Stuck in a rut that you and your partner can’t get out of? Do you feel like you’re not getting your needs met? Or perhaps you regularly feel attacked for not meeting your partner’s needs? These kinds of issues can make anyone afraid that something is drastically wrong with their relationship and it’s normal so seek help.
At Downtown Somatic Therapy, we believe that couples therapy is a wonderful way to not only resolve conflicts and develop deeper intimacy and connection with your partner, but also is a way to heal individual pain.
So, how does couples therapy work? If you decide to get help, what should you expect? In New York City, there are many different types of couples therapy modalities, so what type of therapy does Downtown Somatic Therapy use and how will the process work?
Our therapists at Downtown Somatic Therapy draw from different modalities, including the Gottman Method, PACT and Imago Therapy, but we all are trained in Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT.) EFT is based on the idea that humans have a fundamental need for connection and that conflict develops when one or more of the partners does not feel that the other person is emotionally accessible, responsive and engaged. Psychotherapist Anne Heller says, “When this security is not felt, people react in predictable ways. People either go into overdrive and attack, blame, cling, and/or demand, or they disengage and withdraw.” Our goal is to help couples create or come back to a secure bond, one that balances independence with connectedness.
“When this security is not felt, people react in predictable ways. People either go into overdrive and attack, blame, cling, and/or demand, or they disengage and withdraw.”
John Gottman and Robert Levenson studied couples in a lab in the 1980s and 90’s and found that there were very clear differences between couples that stayed together for more than six years and those that separated. In short, couples that stayed together returned each others’ bids for connection 87 percent of the time and those that separated only returned each others’ bids for connection 33 percent of the time. In short, being there for and appreciating each other was critical to the couples’ happiness.
The opposite of this accessibility, responsiveness and engagement are attack or withdrawal patterns. Gottman and Levinson found that there are four types of behavior that are the true enemies of a connected relationship and were shown to lead to separations.
These patterns include criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Criticism is not just criticizing someone’s behavior, it is attacking the other person as a whole. Contempt is probably the worst of the four. It might include eye-rolling, sneering or mocking. In short, it is a way of acting that conveys disgust for the other person. Defensiveness negates all responsibility for a conflict. It says that it’s all the other person’s fault. And stonewalling is tuning the other person out. It is even worse than cutting the other person out of the conflict, it removes the other person emotionally from the relationship.
So, how do therapists at Downtown Somatic Therapy help couples reconnect when they are stuck in conflicts that keep them attacking or withdrawing from each other? Therapist Elisha Mudley describes the first step as simply identifying and naming the pattern that the couple is caught in.
“By naming the pattern, the couples enemy becomes the dance they are trapped in, not the other person’s behavior.”
Once the pattern is identified and named, therapists help clients discover the feelings beneath their behaviors. Sometimes when a partner criticizes or attacks the other person, underneath that behavior is a core fear that their partner will not be there for them. And often this fear did not originate in the relationship, but in an old pattern developed in childhood.
Similarly, If the other partner is regularly turning away from their partner, it is often not because they don’t care, but rather that they feel overwhelmed by the demands and have learned from their childhoods that this retreat is the safest way to not threaten connection with their primary caregivers.
To break out of these patterns, the therapist will attempt to slow down the couples exchanges and help each partner identify and feel their softer emotions. When a partner expresses hurt rather than criticism, it is easier for the other to empathize with their pain. When a partner expresses vulnerability rather than an impenetrable wall, it is easier for the other person to relax. With these softer emotions, the therapist will work with each person to help them turn toward the other and be able to share their softer emotions in a way that their partner can hear, empathize with and move toward.
This shift in the behavior between partners creates a shift in the security of their bond. And this more secure attachment relationship allows for a deeper, more intimate connection. It also promotes individual healing as each person’s deeper needs get met by their partner.
If you’re struggling in your relationship or want to explore the ways couples therapy might support your individual growth in a relationship, consider reaching out to schedule a consultation with a therapist at Downtown Somatic Therapy.