On Female Rage
"I don't get angry; I get sad."
4 min read
"I don't get angry; I get sad." Does this describe you? The Daily podcast released an episode, "On Female Rage", detailing the complicated relationship that those socialized according to female gender norms often have with anger.
While it’s not only women who suffer when they suppress their anger, the issue more often plagues women, whom our larger culture encourages to be cooperative, caring, sweet, soft and, most of all, “nice”. Tears are often more acceptable than a firm stance of anger.
Writer Leslie Jamison opens the episode with, "I don't get angry; I get sad." How many times have you heard someone say this, well-meaning and honest?
Psychotherapist Alessandra Mikic, LCSW, who specializes in working with women who struggle to connect to their anger, weighs in, “Something I tell my clients with great frequency is that we all experience anger -- no matter our gender, age or culture. Though some of us have become experts at ignoring it, anger is one of a handful of core emotions that is experienced universally, throughout one’s entire lifespan.”
So, it’s not optional – and you likely wouldn’t want it to be. According to emotion researchers and theorists, true anger is the emotion that allows us to know when our boundaries have been violated, when something is not right and must be addressed.
Contrary to popular belief, and much to the chagrin of therapy clients, we do not choose anger (or any core emotions). But understandably, many wish to avoid the emotion because of all its unpleasant connotations. Unfortunately, most people associate anger with its behavioral cousin, discharging, in which choice is involved – violence, escalation of conflict, verbal or physical attack.
“Discharging is actually a defense against staying with and fully experiencing your anger in your body,” says Mikic. “When we discharge instead of allowing ourselves to feel the power of anger internally, we miss out on a lot of energy and power.”
Given this misattribution of negative traits to anger, so many are quick to disown their own anger. But anger is an internal, visceral, biological experience, as are all core emotions, leading us to our unique right next steps — not so dissimilar from hunger pangs inviting us to nourish ourselves, waves of somnolence beckoning us to sleep, tension spurring us to stretch tight muscles. When we suppress somatic energy within us, we suppress an inborn vitality; we deny ourselves care; we give up our power.
“According to emotion researchers, anger is the emotion that allows us to know when our boundaries have been violated.”
As has been covered in other blog posts on Downtown Somatic Therapy’s blog, depression, low moods, low self-esteem and anxiety are natural consequences of this suppression. As one element of a multi-pronged approach to lifting these symptoms and working toward treatment goals, many clients spend a lot of time in therapy learning how to internally detect and then physically tolerate their anger.
This has nothing to do with punching walls, road rage, cursing people out or destroying property or relationships. Experiencing anger is precisely what you want to do if you want to: increase your confidence, feel calmer, buoy your mood, bolster your ability to practice healthy boundaries, improve your relationships – and demand justice.
“Anger can help you stand up for yourself and others at work, in your family of origin, in the dating sphere, and certainly on a societal scale,” shares Mikic, who draws personal and professional inspiration from feminist visionaries.
The black feminist activist Audre Lorde wrote effusively and unabashedly about the transformative power of anger: “I have used it for illumination, laughter, protection, fire in places where there was no light, no food, no sisters, no quarter. … Every woman has a well-stocked arsenal of anger potentially useful against those oppressions, personal and institutional, which brought that anger into being. Focused with precision it can become a powerful source of energy serving progress and change.” You can find her full 1981 speech, "The uses of anger: Women responding to racism", here.
A version of this was originally posted on TherapywithAl.com.