3 Ways To Stop Avoiding Conflict
Helpful pointers to come out of your shell and step into yourself
4 min read | Illustration by Marcelo Clapp
Are heated discussions during dinner parties your cue to get up and start clearing the dishes? Do you frequently leave conversations with your partner or meetings with colleagues thinking that there were things you wanted to add but felt too nervous to say? You may be conflict avoidant.
Understand the Value of Conflict – And the Cost of Avoiding It
It’s tempting to wonder what the harm is in avoiding conflict. Often, we assume that the only alternative is to seek out conflict. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
“Conflict that is handled constructively is an opportunity to figure out who we are, where we want to go and with whom. By wrestling with ideas and articulating our values, we grow into ourselves.”
Paradoxically, being more comfortable with tough exchanges also means that we can better show up for others, even those whose values and opinions we disagree with.
Conflict avoidance carries with it risks. A persistent sense of being railroaded or taken advantage of can lie over us like a wet blanket that looks and feels like an identity. And, conflicts don’t go away just because they are swept under the rug.
A common complaint from couples who come to therapy together is that they are deeply divided on significant issues such as child rearing or financial goals.
“While you may not feel the need to talk about marriages and mortgages on the first date, working through tough topics early on in a relationship helps determine if there is baseline compatibility, gives important information about how the other handles conflict and disagreement, and flexes the couple’s shared conflict management and resolution muscle,” says Pia Wallgren, staff therapist at Downtown Somatic Therapy.
Break It Down – Is It Even Conflict?
Pay attention to what triggers discomfort - it may not even be a conflict. Those who grew up in families where varying opinions were poorly tolerated and led to shouting or other intimidating behaviors might feel anxious as soon as they register a simple difference in opinion.
Instead of weighing in, they clam up and nod. Therapists often work with clients to explore “conflict templates” they have taken with them from childhood.
“I always try to show love and appreciation for the smarts it took for the child to stay away from anything they thought could anger the parent or lead to feeling humiliated or abandoned,” says Tina Tacorian, another therapist at Downtown Somatic Therapy, who also points out that conflict avoidance is an important skill to have. Working with a therapist can help you stretch your capacity to be assertive without fear of retribution.
“It’s not uncommon for people to be pleasantly surprised by how good it feels to start taking up some space in debates.”
“Contrary to what their earlier experiences taught them, there are many people out there with healthy boundaries and a solid sense of self who embrace difference in others,” adds Tina.
So next time you have that felt sense of wanting to fade into the background, remind yourself that this might not be the beginning of an argument, but of getting to know someone.
Know How to Recover and Repair
Check in on your skills to repair and recover – confidence in those areas can diminish the inclination to avoid conflict at all costs. It’s not unusual to have physical symptoms after a dust-up and sometimes they can be really intense. If voices were raised and doors were slammed, give yourself some time alone to get curious about what you are experiencing.
Try closing your eyes and taking several deep breaths. Release any tension you notice; unclench your jaw and fists, let your shoulders drop and soften your belly. Go for a walk or a run. If you are replaying an argument in your mind, see if you can allow yourself to let it go or at least let it be.
“Most people aren’t actually avoiding conflict. They are avoiding the ensuing distress. It can feel like being emotionally transported back to a time and place where they felt small and defenseless.”
“Working through past experiences so that the body can stay in the present has been a very meaningful experience for many clients I have worked with,” says Pia. “It has allowed them to trust that they can be there for themselves.”
Couples can benefit from being explicit about how they want to restore their connection after arguments. If the individuals in a couple know that they have some basic agreements for how to hit pause or come together again, it can pre-empt a lot of tension and anxiety around some of those sticky topics that most long-term couples have to confront every now and then.
If you have been avoiding conflict in your relationships and want support in making a change in how you assert yourself, consider reaching out to Downtown Somatic Therapy today to schedule a free consultation.